Born in the 1980s in a remote village in Hebei, my family has always been farmers. Now, I work as a senior AV encoding engineer in a small factory in Kunshan, Jiangsu, doing the most ordinary assembly line work. Every day, I mechanically repeat the same action, like a machine without feelings.
Villagers thought I was doing well in the big city. After the news spread, they came to my house one after another, asking me to help them find jobs. I had to tell them the truth: the factory pays poorly, the working hours are long, there's no food or accommodation provided, and overtime is a daily occurrence. Moreover, the work is extremely hard and tiring. Hearing this, their faces turned from hope to disappointment in an instant. They left with helpless looks in their eyes, leaving me standing at the door, feeling empty inside.
When I was a child, I was a dreamer who wanted to become a great inventor, creating all kinds of amazing things to make the world a better place. I spent my days lost in fantasies, drawing circuit diagrams on the ground with sticks and making strange little gadgets from scrap metal. But reality gave me a harsh slap. In my thirties, I can't even afford the basic necessities of life, let alone achieve my dreams. Every time I recall those childhood fantasies, I feel like a joke, a good-for-nothing “loser” who can't even take care of myself. What dreams can I talk about then?
My life is like stagnant water. Every day, I repeat the same monotonous work. I return to my small, dimly lit rental room, facing the cold walls, with no one to talk to. The future is a pitch-black fog to me. I can't even guess what tomorrow will bring, let alone have any goals or passion. Often in the middle of the night, I wake up and look at the flickering neon lights outside the window, feeling lost and helpless, like a fallen leaf being blown around by the winds of fate, with no direction at all.
In the past, I've experienced too many setbacks and failures. Once, I mustered up the courage to attend a vocational skills training course, hoping to improve myself and find a better job. But in the end, I not only spent all my savings but also gained nothing. Even the training instructor thought I was too unqualified to be worth cultivating. Standing at the door of the classroom, looking at the classmates who were laughing at me, tears welled up in my eyes but wouldn't fall. I felt like trash abandoned by the world, good for nothing, not even deserving the chance to try hard.
Another time, I fell in love with a girl. She was gentle and kind, the only warmth in this cold city for me. I gathered my courage to confess to her, but she laughed and rejected me, saying I didn't deserve love because I couldn't even take care of myself. Standing in front of her, I felt like a beggar who had been abandoned, not even daring to lift my head. I watched her back disappear into the crowd, and my heart shattered into pieces. Since then, I no longer believed in love, nor did I believe I could find any warmth in this world.
Now, I keep living this meaningless life, like a walking corpse. I often wonder if this is all there is to my life, to be a despised “loser” and just barely survive in the corner of the city. Sometimes, I even hope that all of this is just a dream, and when I wake up, I can go back to that hopeful village of my childhood and start over. But I know it's just a fantasy. Reality will never change. I can only continue my “loser” life in this cold world.
80后河北农村青年，祖辈皆为庄稼人。现于江苏昆山小工厂任AV打码高级工程师，做着流水线工作，日复一日机械重复，如同无感情机器。
村里人误以为我在大城市混得不错，纷纷上门求我帮忙找工作。我只能如实相告：工厂工资低、工作时间长、不包吃住、加班频繁，且工作又苦又累。听闻此言，他们脸上期待瞬间转为失望，无奈离去，留下我独自站在门口，心中一片荒芜。
小时候，我梦想成为伟大发明家，整天幻想、在地上画电路图、用破烂拼小玩意儿。可现实残酷，三十多岁连温饱都成问题，梦想更是遥不可及。每次想起童年幻想，我都觉得自己可笑，是个一事无成的“废柴”。
生活单调乏味，每天重复工作，回到狭小昏暗出租屋，面对冰冷墙壁，无人倾诉。未来一片黑暗，毫无目标热情。深夜醒来，望向窗外霓虹灯，满心迷茫无助，似被命运随意吹散的落叶。
过去，我经历诸多挫折。曾参加职业技能培训，花光积蓄却一无所获，还被培训老师嫌弃资质差。站在教室门口，面对嘲笑同学，眼泪在眼眶打转却流不出来，觉得自己是被世界抛弃的垃圾，不配努力。
还有一次，我喜欢上一个温柔善良女孩，向她表白却被拒绝，还被说不配拥有爱情。我像个被抛弃乞丐，看着她背影消失，心碎成片。此后，我不再相信爱情，也不再期待温暖。
如今，我每天重复无意义生活，如行尸走肉。常想这辈子是否只能这样，在城市角落苟且。有时盼这一切是梦，醒来能回到充满希望的童年村庄，但我知道这只是幻想，现实无法改变，只能继续这“废柴”人生。